The Side Step Isn’t a Setback: Rethinking Progress with Our Neurodivergent Kids

Hey mama! If you’re holding so much hope in one hand and so much heartbreak in the other… I see you. I read a post recently where a mom said her 19-year-old had made huge strides one week, only to spiral the next. I know that moment. I’ve lived that moment.

But what if it’s not a step back? What if it’s just a side step? Because progress with our kids, especially when they’re neurodivergent, doesn’t look like a staircase. It looks like a mountain.

🔄 The Reframe: Progress Isn’t Linear

We’ve been fed the idea that growth should be clean, straight, and predictable. Two steps forward, one step back.

But when you're parenting a neurodivergent teen or young adult, it's not a straight line. It's a winding climb up a foggy mountain. There are plateaus. Ledges. Switchbacks. There are days you stop and catch your breath, and moments you have to veer off to get better footing.

And what looks like immaturity or poor choices? That might actually be right on time developmentally. Not by age, but by where their nervous system and executive function are in that moment.

💬 From “That Kid” to Mentor: My Story

I get these kids. Because I was that kid. Sensitive. Reactive. Hyper-aware. I masked. I overcompensated. I struggled. I spent my teen years feeling like a disappointment, and later, as a mom, I felt like I was drowning again.

I’ve punished when I should’ve paused. I’ve walked away in overwhelm when I wanted connection. I’ve cried the same tears I now sit beside other moms in.

And because of all of that, I get to offer something powerful: Not perfection but presence. Not fixing but seeing.

🏔 Parenting the Mountain

If it feels like your child is self-sabotaging, or undoing all their hard work take a breath. Don’t panic. Get curious.

Ask yourself:

• What’s the gap here?

• Are they overwhelmed?

• Is this a way of coping?

• Or a call for connection?

When we pause and investigate, instead of punishing or panicking, we create emotional safety.And that’s where real growth begins.

👣 Real-Life Example: The Burned-Out 18-Year-Old

A mom I work with watched her son start thriving: managing his schedule, taking meds, showing up for class. Then one week it all crashed.

Missed classes. Ignored messages. Zero motivation. Her fear said: “We’ve lost everything.”But when we paused, the truth was clear: he was maxed out.

He wasn’t lazy he was burned out from masking competence he hadn’t fully developed.

Instead of pulling away, she leaned in:

• She asked, “What’s feeling heavy right now?”

• She broke down tasks into “Must-do” and “Can-wait.”

• And she reminded him:

  “I don’t love you for what you accomplish. I love you because you’re you.”

That reset everything.

🛠 Tangible Tools for Moms on the Trail

1. Name the Mountain.

When things feel chaotic, pause and ask:

“Am I expecting a straight path when their brain needs a winding one?”

2. Use the Switchback Strategy.

When they falter:

• Try walking or driving side-by-side to invite connection

• Say: “Looks like we need to re-chart the trail what do you need from me right now?”

3. Model Calm on the Ledge.

Instead of shouting up the trail, sit beside them: “This looks hard. I’m not going anywhere. We’ll figure it out together.”

Your calm tells their nervous system, “We’re safe.”

💭 Mindset Shift: Progress Is Layered, Not Linear

Not every win will show up on paper. Sometimes progress is in the pause. In the breath you didn’t used to take. In the softer voice you use when you want to scream. In the moment you see your child, not just their behavior.

That’s real change.That’s the mountain.

🎯 Final Thoughts

If you’re on the trail and it’s messy, foggy, or exhausting you’re not alone. And you’re not going backward. This work is hard. But you’re climbing.

Special Gift: I’m offering a 20% tuition discount on my full course Path to Empowered Parenting now through May 31 for Mother’s Day.

Admission is application only. Kindly schedule a brief chat to find out if this is the program for you! https://calendly.com/taratrievel/chat-with-tara

Bring your messy heart and I’ll bring the tools. We’re in this together.